Everyone Okay?

It's 7 hours past the last writing, I'm staring at an overpriced coffee in the face. I seem to be at a one-manned two-starred café slash hotel which seems rundown and immaculately renovated at the same time. Why did he have to turn on the TV? My shit looked healthy but I don't feel healthy, this gray day doesn't feel healthy. Fear woke me up even sooner than I planned, and just like those days where you don't have enough sleep and all you can do is endure the pain of the day until it's over, a sleepless jobless day is just the same, with an extra taste of homelessness. I zombied my way to a train station because it had lights and chairs and ceiling, but also cold in the legs, what a difference a few less hours in a sleeping bag do, sorry Legs. The owner, who speaks only french, is telling his young asian assistant, who doesn't speak anything, that "today she will speak with the customers". • I had a couchsurfing reply, I'd like to sleep there today. I'm sad, the bag is heavy. I can't do it. I can't face the weather and the increasing distance, not alone. I'm weak, mentally. I need more information. Why is this waitress here, what is here story? She's further than me, even though she seems more fragile. Shit. I'm frustrated. Am I being a coward, or over-ambitious, or a coward due to over-ambition, or maybe over-ambitious due to cowardice? Losing my footing in the shallow part of the water maybe. I could just hitchhike back, make 'that' the "petite voyage". Still a big trip even if it is small. Again I'm faced with my defeatist nature, forced to contemplate that my success isn't stopped by the situation of the world at large but instead by an inner hurdle, which is not that high, but one which I'm too lazy or afraid to jump over. Perhaps if it faces me more and more, I'll get frustrated by it and beat it finally, who knows. How will I see her now...? If it means enough to me I'll find a way. • I'm calmer now. Information stabilizes the nerves, there are many options. If focus is maintained nothing is lost. I can do this thing or that thing, wait for that other thing to get cheaper, go meet that person or not. I think it'll be fine. Always is.