August 12 2015, Bas-Cambo

I don't know what I'm running towards, but it's not a train. So many coffee shops and free internet and free electricity. Nowhere is dangerous in civilization. I like coffee so it works out great. • The original plan was to make some money working in the vineyards then go through Europe doing volunteer work in exchange for food and bed, and I still plan to do that, but, I have to see her first. It's been so long but, especially here without the distractions of civilized existence, in the stillness, she always appears. When my idle mind drifts to lust, it is her form that appears: her eyes, her sounds, her warmth. I have to see her, whatever her situation is right now, I want to help her, I want to give back for once. If she has something going on, if she has finally moved on despite my stringing her along, if she has been able to finally put me behind, fine, a lesson learned on my part, I'd still like to help her somehow. If however she can love me again, now that I think I'm ready to give myself to her then... I don't know what'll happen, but maybe we can be happy for a while again. My life still needs straightening out but what does that really matter? I know for sure that even if everything would be perfectly straightened out it would still be empty, stability has nothing on happiness. And I feel that when you're happy things just seem to work out, while when they're stable they have a tendency to fall completely apart. • Incidentally, this town is small, everywhere is too small, the smalltalk that everyone talks is always the same, even their deep thoughts are all the same. Universality is as fascinating as it is boring. If I'm going to, and I have to, even to survive, do something, it has to take place everywhere and nowhere. She checks facebook, she'll see me coming.