Bottleneck

My heart beats in turmoil. Last night's despair has faded, so that's not it. I'm charging my phone, enfim, I can't move from here and that's what races my beats: my body wills to be moved. I'm supposed to go meet a friend in Budapest, but I move too fast, I'd get there way before, and would have to wait, and nothing is more painful to me than waiting. Even pain is not as painful. • Yesterday and today's aimlessness clamors for an end to the Journey, for a Destination. I like this discovery about me but it worries me, that the End, the wanderings and the Way don't do anything for me, that the only thing I like is Movement. If I only feel safe if I'm outside the Languishing, how should I live? If she still loves me can I survive the stasis? Can my love be sustained in the stasis? I don't feel I've ever been this willing to give myself and receive, but exactly how soothing would this pill be? • Clues abound about what the Path is. The Path is music & change. The shadow of "all the things I could do" reveals itself more and more to be a carrot on a stick. I will do what I love, and love what I do, and become a Giver of love, a Giver in general, not just a Taker. I wish to be alone, but how much of that is me? What am I afraid of in the other version of me that is a union with what is around me, the version of me to be, not like before, surrounded by people but alone inside, taking. What do I want.