Warm Night

Looking back at the previous year of working in Lisbon I had almost forgotten what the original goal of even getting a job had been: To have money so I could live in Lisbon and have a place to have sex habitually, something like I had back in Poland. There were just so many things going on that I forgot about this Need of mine. I was reminded arriving in Budapest three days before I was supposed to of a familiar emptiness. For a second I thought "just keep on going", but then I stopped and went into the city. The emptiness is merely from the lack of Movement which my job had distracted me from. At the same time I am aroused, something to do with hungarian women having some of the biggest breasts I've ever seen but it's more than that, I used to plan things based on my Need, I forgot about it, like I could get over it, but I can't. Maybe the difference is that before I thought love was incompatible with the Need, but surprise surprise, I'm just as human as everyone else after all. I can imagine living at a hostel, banging chicks from everywhere, stringing along chicks on Tinder, and finally, as I so wished before, daygaming habitually, I know I could force myself to do it, like I forced my self to go to clubs and to do sales. All this if love doesn't pan out of course, but that's in the future... • In the present there are other things. I'm goalless and lost in Budapest, I'd like company but don't want to go through the trouble of getting it, or rather I would, if it happened organically, once more: a coward like any other human. No Movement for three days and I'm sure I will get bored, but what am I trying to escape by running away from the city too fast. I could choose to face fears, I could play in the park, I could do the Chairs. Yeah, I'll find a way, everything is going to be alright.